20 seconds
IN THE CAPITOL HALL, VISITORS WILL NOTICE THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW STATUE IN THE HALLWAY RIGHT OUSIDE THE OFFICE OF THE GOVERNOR.
A GIANT BRONZE GRIZZLY BEAR, PURCHASED THROUGH ASPEN, COLORADO, WANDERED INTO THE CAPITAL HALL.
SPOKESMAN AARON MCLEAR SAYS THAT IT WAS BOUGHT WITH SCHWARZENEGGER'S OWN MONEY AND IS FOR ENTERTAINING THE SCHOOL CHILDREN BY ALLOWING PICTURES TO BE TAKEN WITH IT.
THE STATUE IS THE SAME BEAR THAT IS DECORATED ON THE STATE FLAG.
-END-
You're on the right track, but you need to do a better job of getting my attention at the start. "In the Capitol Hall" doesn't pull me in.
ReplyDeleteHow about: VISITORS TO CALIFORNIA'S CAPITOL HALL MAY DO A DOUBLE-TAKE WHEN THEY SEE THE NEW STATUE THAT NOW SITS RIGHT OUTSIDE THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE.
Get rid of passive voice: SPOKESMAN AARON MCLEAR SAYS THE GOVERNOR BOUGHT THE STATUE WITH HIS OWN MONEY....
12.5/15